Sometimes life takes a turn…

Sunday August 21, 2016 is a date that will forever change my life. My world was completely rocked with the tragic death of my parents in an automobile accident. Ironically, their death occurred while they were on their way to a wedding, one of life’s greatest celebrations.

Still, two months later, my world is one big blur, as I am mainly seeing it through tear filled eyes. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep, and the searing pain in my chest keeps me gasping for breath. Calmness is something I am striving for. Yet it is unattainable.

Trying to keep the excitement of our upcoming trip to Southeast Asia is difficult at best. February seems like forever. I need to get out of here now. Now, and alone. I need to be in a place where no one needs anything from me. And I mean nothing. Not even hugs for my son. Those are so painful, as I am constantly reminded that I will never be able to get a hug from my mother again. I know it’s mean and hurting him, but I can’t help it. I can’t give emotional support to anyone, not even myself. I can’t give my husband the nurturing he wants either. He is trying so hard to be my emotional support. He has been affected by this tragedy as well. They were his parents for the past 25 years. They loved him as if he were their flesh and blood. Still, it’s not the same. He still has his parents. There is no way he can truly grasp the loss I am dealing with.

I need to get out of here now. Now, far away, and alone.

I have decided that I am going to spend 10 days in Thailand. Why Thailand when we are going to be there in a few short months? There is something about Thailand that is calling me. A visceral response if you will have it. The history, the architecture, the spirituality, the landscape. All of it is calling me. I am very lucky to have a friend who is helping me plan this trip. This friend understands what I need and can point me in the right direction so I can clear my head and maybe try to make sense of this mess that is my life. Maybe then, I will be able to take some steps forward. I am just as scared as I am excited about this trip. Never have I thought I could do something like this now that I am a wife and a mother. How does a mom just leave? My support system is rising to the occasion, not allowing me to push their help away as I usually do. Thankfully, I am not in a position to decline such help. They know I need this more than I know.

I am not running away. I know full well, when I return it will all still be here. My hope is that I will be in a better place so that I can begin to rebuild my new life. One without parents. One without that always open door no matter what. One without that completely unconditional love given to you by your parents.

I cannot express my gratitude for my friend and all that is being done to make this happen. I will be forever thankful for such a special person to have entered into my life. There is a reason for everything I believe, and I hope to learn those reasons and be able to repay them.

No, this isn’t an Eat, Pray, Love kind of trip. Nor is it an Eat Shit and Die (as someone has referred to it) kind of trip. I have no idea what “kind” of trip it is going to end up being. Time will tell…Just a few weeks and away I go!

Ok. Enough of that emotional babble. Time to get ready for Thailand!!!!