Relinquishing control

I admit, I am a control freak. I need to know everything…in advance. I need to know what it will look like, feel like, taste like, who will do it and how. And biggest of all, how things will end up. At least I used to be.

August 21, 2016, changed that. I was not in control. Of anything or anyone, least of all of myself. I couldn’t trust anything from then on. What was the point anyway? If I couldn’t control it, it didn’t matter. Thus began my downward spiral. Until, and you all know by now, until I “met” Sakai. What started as a recommendation that I contact him to plan our 6 week Southeast Asia backpack trip, has turned into a life changing experience. Never before have I put complete trust into someone, not questioning the outcome. (Please don’t put Marc into this. Of course, I trust him 100,000,000%. This is different).

This time in Thailand so far, has taught me that I don’t need to be in control. I don’t need to know everything beforehand. I actually don’t want to. At times, I find myself thinking that I should ask Sakai while we are headed of to do something, or  driving somewhere, like today, on the drive from Khao Yai to Ayutthaya. What does Ayutthaya look like? Is it a city? Is it in the country? Dammit I need to know and I need to know NOW! I stop myself, and take a deep breath. Then it hits me. I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. Thinking about it, I haven’t wanted to know anything since I boarded the plane in SF.

Bangkok was not how I had pictured it in my mind. I don’t know what I expected it to be. It just wasn’t anything I thought or anything I didn’t think. And that was the most freeing feeling. Getting a tattoo should have been something for me to want to control. I mean it’s mine and will be mine for life. But I didn’t. I trusted Sakai to know what I needed. And he couldn’t have been more right. I should have thought and prepared ahead about our hike yesterday. How long would it be? Where was our map? Why don’t we have a map? How can we go without one? I don’t know where I am! But he knew. Until we got lost. Then neither of us knew. And that was another freeing moment. It didn’t matter!

It doesn’t really matter. It will all end up ok. Or it will just end up. Right? I am learning that the best part is the journey. If I spend time trying to control it, it isn’t a journey anymore. It is a task that may or may not meet my expectations of what it should be. It’s ok to relinquish control and just BE in the moment. Because in the end, that is the best experience.