Bridge over the River Kwai

The jabs of bamboo on my shoulder blade, the scratches and leech bites on my legs and arms, as painful as they were, are a reminder that I am alive. That I can endure. That I am stronger than I ever realized. They are my badges of honor. They are also my cue that it is time to let go. To say goodbye. That may be the most painful thing I have learnt on this trip. (After spending 24/7 with an Aussie, you pick up their spelling as lame as that is). The whole purpose of this trip has been to let go. To figure out who I am. What I am. To hopefully say goodbye to the nightly nightmares. Yes, they are still happening. But they are changing. Last night for example, it wasn’t Marc walking with me to see my mother all broken and gone. It was Sakai, and we didn’t even see my mother. He was telling me that it was ok. That it was time. He didn’t say time for what though. I still woke with the panicked ” I can’t breathe” feeling. But it was different. I’m different. Things don’t matter as much. Take time for example. I haven’t worn a watch since I left SF. I don’t care what time it is. I don’t even know what day it is. And that’s ok. It’s better than ok. It’s so freeing.

Right now I am sitting outside our glampping tent listening to Sakai laugh while he is watching an Australian comedy show. I love hearing his laugh. It is so pure. It can light up a room. Just like Marc, Sakai smiles with his eyes. Every time, it makes me think of Marc. I miss him so. How hard this must have been for him to let me go. I truly hope he knows how much this trip was for him, as much as it is for me. I needed to go so I could come back. I’m not ready to go back yet. There is still more I need to do. More I need to learn. More demons I need to confront. But I am making progress. I can’t wait for our trip in February. It is going to be beyond amazing. I can’t wait for Marc and Ari to meet Sakai, and for him to meet them. I don’t want to share him though. He is my special “island”. My calm in the middle of my storm. But I know they need to learn from Sakai. And he from them.