Re-entry

I’ve been home for less than 72 hours. I don’t remember what day it is and I haven’t put back on a watch. I’m not sure if I’m happy my Bangkok Hair has followed me home or not, and it is cold and rainy outside. 
It’s so easy to fall back into control mode here. Responsibility has reared its ugly head. Ari’s school actually cares if I get him there on time. Ari actually cares if I feed him. I had hoped maybe he would have learned how to do all those things by himself while I was away, including driving himself to school. My bad. In a few short years he won’t need me, so I may as well enjoy this time. And I do. I really do. 

I don’t know what I expected it to be like when I came back. I mean look how much I changed. Look at all the obstacles I overcame. Seriously, remember the leeches? Remember the slippery rocks? It feels like not much has actually changed. I have a new perspective and a quietness that I haven’t had in a while. Maybe that’s enough? Maybe that’s what I was looking for. I don’t know. There are things that are very confusing right now. Some relationships that you thought were actually something may not be that way. Some may be better than you thought they were. It’s all so confusing. You think you learn about people, and then they do or say something that you wouldn’t think a true friend would do or say. I did learn that I do have options of how I react to situations. And it’s up to me to exercise those reactions. Some people may actually be surprised at my future reactions. Oh well. That’s for them to deal with.  

 I have to say, running away has had its merits. But that is not real life. It was the real me there, every second of it. But it wasn’t my real life. My life is here. My family is here. My friends are here. What if things aren’t right though? What do you do? Can’t keep running away. Saying goodbye, and letting go at that alter was quite the experience. Coming back and seeing their pictures and the boxes I shipped back was hard. It is a reminder they are truly gone. Oh how I wanted to call and tell them all about my adventure. I am trying to find peace with that.

 I am also trying to connect Marc with what I experienced. I know he will never be able to fully comprehend why and what I had to do. Maybe he isn’t supposed to be connected to it. After all, it was my trip. They were my obstacles. He doesn’t need objects to connect him. He has me. He also has his own experiences. He has traveled alone, and we have many many years of travel experiences together. We will get even more experiences on this next trip together. It’s only 8 weeks away. 

It’s a bit isolating here. Everyone is deep in their lives right now. But that’s ok. I actually like myself right now and am enjoying being with me. I have noticed I am not on my phone as much as I used to be. I haven’t turned on a television. I haven’t read anything. I have no idea what’s going on in the world. And you know what? I’m good, no, I’m excellent with that. 

We have design review this coming Monday night. Hopefully, the city will finally pass this newest set of plans, and we can move forward with our project that began almost two years ago. If so, then we have the next 8 weeks to pack up our entire house and get ready for both of our adventures. Daunting as that seems, and it does, I am ready to purge. Ready to purge everything and start over. Clean fresh start. New perspective. 

 It’s time to put to use what I’ve learned about myself by myself. Not what anyone else has shown me. Time to see what I am truly capable of alone. Because in the end, that’s really all you have to count on….