Walls

Time here in Bangkok, my favorite city in the world, has really made me think. It has made me think about who I was, who I have become, and who I want to be when I grow up. Couple that with the past few weeks of the most amazing, mind blowing, and even intense traveling, and you will come up with a mish mosh of emotions. I have loved every second of this type of traveling. Even when going to the bathroom outside was a nicer option than what was offered inside. Even when petrified to fall asleep with the cockroaches on the train. Even with the smell of mothballs that makes me gag, that for some reason is EVERYWHERE in Southeast Asia. Even with the idiosyncrasies in those you are traveling with become clear. And I am not talking about leaving the seat up. Because traveling as the only female in the group, that is inevitable. Its not like you’re gonna sit on the seat anyway. It’s not peeing on yourself when you squat over the hole that they call a toilet (your aim gets better with time ladies). It’s not the hangriness that happens to those who don’t eat when we have food. It’s deeper than that. When you travel as intensely as we have been doing, emotions can run high. Things are said, or not said for that matter, that may have not been said in other circumstances. Things that are said are taken completely out of context and misinterpreted as well. It makes you have to sit back, breathe deeply, look out at the magnificent view, and keep yourself from jumping off that ledge. You can be sitting next to a pool in a beautiful boutique hotel in Hoi An, at a roof top bar in Hanoi, or even a balcony on the 27th floor looking at the magnificent Bangkok skyline all night long. Whatever it takes to keep you from jumping. You have to look deep deep deep into your soul and make decisions. Decisions about how you are going to proceed. What will you do tomorrow? Or in an hour? Will you sit silent and sulk? Will you take into account the other person’s feelings? It’s up to you to decide how to proceed. Do you ask Buddha for a sign? Or is this the sign? Yes my friends, this is all a part of this type of travel. 
Looking out at this city, you see just how nonconforming it really is. You have the most advanced architecture coupled with ancient run down buildings. All mixed together living harmoniously side by side. It is that nonconformity that makes me truly love this city. You can be what you want to be. It doesn’t matter what other people think. It really doesn’t. Just be yourself. It’s that easy. Things tend to work best when it’s real. Even if it hurts. Even if it means putting up walls. 
The walls of many of the cities we have been to were put up for a reason. To keep “hurt” out. They were built high and strong. Strong enough for those inside to survive. Because without them, survival wouldn’t or couldn’t happen. They are still up today. In the areas where they were broken or even taken down, whether by an intruder, or by time, you can see the pain in the raw exposed facade. Sometimes that rawness can make you tear up, or it can even believe it or not, make you smile. In some instances, they have built up those broken down walls. Even taller and even stronger than they once were. In others, they remain down. They are beautiful in whatever state they are in. In some places, a soft velvety moss has grown to protect the exposed brick. In others, a beautiful tree has grown. Even without dirt, it has gotten the nourishment it needed to flourish. It’s all about choices. It’s all about time, circumstances, and choices. Choices of how to move forward once things have been broken down. Choices of how to survive. Because sometimes you have no other choice but to survive. 
As the sun begins to now rise over this magnificent city and a new day begins, I am even more excited about the next half of this adventure. Who or what will I become when it’s over? ? Will it even finish? Will I change? Will walls go up higher and stronger? Will velvety moss cover for protection? It will a tree grow? Whatever it is, it will be real, nonconforming, new, old, and so beautiful. That much I am sure.