Tinkerbell was really a Sand Flea

The beach would be my absolute favorite place, if it weren’t for the sand and the ocean. You see, the ocean has always been a major fear. I had reoccurring nightmares as a child that I was stuck on a float and couldn’t get back. Just kept getting dragged further and further out to sea. Countless times I remember waking up sweating, heart racing……
I am currently sitting outside our villa at probably the most beautiful beach in the world. Khlong Chao Beach on Koh Kut, a tiny island in the Gulf of Thailand. The only thing that sucks are the sand fleas. Fuck they itch when you’re bitten. I was told coconut oil helps. So someone is bringing me some. Yes. I am spoiled. But they offered. Lol. 

Ok. Back to the ocean, or Gulf….No matter how far out you go, you can still see your feet. I can see the chipped nail polish on my toes. Oh, how I am in desperate need of a pedicure. The water is warm. Almost too warm. But there is a constant breeze. A nice change from the humidity. Which is still in abundance, but you don’t feel it as much when you’re in the water. There is so much salt that you can just float as well. Paradise. Sadness. This journey will soon be coming to an end. I’m not ready to go home. I really don’t want to. There is an entire world out there that I want to explore. Every inch of it. Some of it, I want to do alone. Some with Marc and Ari. Some with Marc, Ari, and the fourth member of our family. And some with just Sakai alone. He has seen that I don’t need much. I don’t want much. I’m tired of carrying so much. I’ve worn the same clothes for days and don’t care. You really only need those three outfits. Regardless, I want to see it ALL. Someway, somehow, I need to make that dream come true. 
I have always said that my biggest regret in life is that I didn’t do a semester abroad, or traveled while I was in or just after university. I was supposed to move to Israel for Grad school, but I met Marc and my focus changed. Now, twenty five years later, I have too many responsibilities. I don’t regret any of them. I just wish somehow I could take a year off and go and travel. 

Years ago, whenever I was at a crossroad in life, or even just in a “questionable” place, a Dead show would give me the answers I needed. There was something about a show. The people. The music. The vibe. For many years, that was my safe place. A place where I could just let go and the answers would come. No, I’m not talking about drugs. There were many many many shows I didn’t do any. Those were the ones where I could see clearly what I needed to do. Then that all came to an end. I don’t know what I did for the years after to find my answers. I got married and moved to SF. Marc and I built our lives. We established ourselves. Bought a house. Had Ari. Raised Ari. And that was enough. Those were my answers. 
When I stepped onto Cathay Pacific Flight 893 on November 25, 2016, I had no idea what I would find. What would happen. I had changed so much in such a short time. And not for the good. It was such a dark space. Oh how I cried on that flight to Hong Kong. What the fuck was I doing. Leaving my husband and son to travel with a man I had not truly met. They didn’t understand, and neither did I. But I got my answers on that trip. 

This journey has given me even more. So much more. Sure, we’ve done some AMAZING things. Shit, who does what we’ve done? Each and every minute of this has opened my eyes and my soul to a calmness, never before felt. I’m at peace with myself. That is why I don’t want to go home. I know that peace will lessen. It’s life. It’s work. It’s responsibility. It’s fucked up. 

Somehow. Someway. My family and I will continue on this journey to see the world. I just haven’t figured it out yet. But I will. That you can count on. 
Time to visit Alex, the bartender. Time for a drink.