318 days and a few hours later, hopefully two Tito bloody Mary’s, and a few blueberries, since the accident, I will be on yet another plane back to where they lived. To where it all began, and where it all ended. To where everything I knew and believed about life became intertwined with all that I thought was made up. Where all my hopes and dreams were forever changed.
318 days and a few hours later, hopefully two Tito bloody Mary’s, and a few blueberries, since the accident, I will be on a plane back. Back to where it all changed. To where I changed.
This weekend we are having both my Aunt’s, and my Parents’ unveilings. As in Jewish tradition, the headstone is revealed sometime during the first year after burial. Some do it as early as Shloshim, while some wait until the one year anniversary. We are making it up as we go along. Sunday, July 9th, will be 13 months, 15 days since my Aunt Died, and 10 months, 18 days since my parent’s accident. Doing all unveilings on the same day.
So much, so very much has changed this year. Most of which me. I am not the same person I was. Things actually matter. Probably not what you’re thinking. Things like me, who I am, and who I will be. This year, I have experienced so much. Seen so much. Felt so much. Learned so much. So much about myself. I actually matter. How I’m treated. What’s important to me. How I want to be heard. How much I don’t want to be heard. How much I don’t want to share. How much I do feel like sharing, and with whom. Most of all, how much and what kind of shit I am actually able to stand. I’m so tired of sweeping things under the rug. No. It’s all not fucking good. It’s not rainbows and butterflies. The things that you have actually seen and experienced. It’s unicorns and leprechauns. Those things that don’t exist. It’s the things you thought weren’t real. It’s not the “and they lived happily ever after”. Unicorns? They’re just horses with daggers on their heads, aiming for your heart. Piercing your heart. Shocker. How could something so revered in Fairy Tales be so evil. So debilitating. While, those sneaky, conniving, imaginary lawn gnomes waiting at the end of that rainbow are so real and at times more beautiful than the most beautiful butterfly you have ever seen. Oh and rewarding. So rewarding. You may not realize this at first. That’s just how sneaky those pesky little men are. Laughing and sneering…Until, that is, that you realize they actually are on to something. Reality. A reminder to keep your eyes open and be ready to spot the imaginary. Just be ready. You won’t believe it if I told you anyway.
Trying to hold it together. Not doing a good job. Lashing out. Purposely lashing out. Not giving a shit what dagger hits what person. Not caring how much those daggers sting. Don’t get in my way. My aim is amazing these days. You deserve it. All of you do. You need to feel what’s inside me. No wait. You couldn’t handle it. I’ll take it all on. I’m strong. I’ve got that ink to remind me. Come on….bring it. You can’t do anything worse than what’s already been done. Don’t worry, I’ll know if you’re a true friend. If you are sincere, or have your own agenda. I might not let you know at first. Maybe I want to see what you’ll really do. How far you will actually go. Don’t worry. You won’t hurt me. I’ll survive. I always do. You just have to be able to accept me when I do survive. Because I won’t be the same. You may think you know how I will react. You may think my bags will explode at each stop. But you’d be so wrong. It’s a facade. Im just trying to see if you’re real or not. See how you will judge me. See if you will think I’m the same me as you always do. Look out for those pesky leprachauns. Remember, then can surprise you.
Can’t wait to see the benches outside The Bakery that were dedicated to my parents. Can’t wait to sit on them. I can hear my dad, “Helen! Get me some tea Helen!” “See these benches? Know how much they cost? Well, I know a guy who got them, from another guy for a bagan. I’ll get you some”. It will be so bittersweet. Westhampton Beach will be so bittersweet.
The four of us haven’t been together since November. Many words have been texted, spoken, and shouted. Not surprising. We are sisters. We’re supposed to. Even when you think you’ve had it, and you’re never speaking to one of them again. How many times have you thought that about a sibling? Maybe even carried through with it. We can’t. We don’t get that luxury of writing one of us off. We are all we have. No matter what. No matter who is being the biggest bitch. No matter who is fucking up the most. You don’t get that choice of walking away for good. So you deal. You ignore text streams. Give it some time. Some space. But you sneak back into that text stream, just like those leprechauns
How is this trip going to be? I am seeing it all as if for the first time. Which it kinda is. It’s the first time for me. This me. Not the me who saw it year after year after year. Not the me that had to run away to be able to deal with it all. This me. The one who can finally breathe. How are others going to react when they realize I’m not the me they knew. Seriously, I don’t think I care. Lol. It won’t do any good to wonder or care cause it’s gonna just be no matter what.
Bring it. Brin it all. Rainbows, Butterflies, Unicorns, and especially Leprachauns…..I’m ready.
One on, one off, one in the wash... 