If anyone would have asked me 6 months ago, what I was doing for Thanksgiving, my reply would have been, “going into SF to Ari’s Aunties and Uncles” like we have been doing for the past 20 years. Shit, if you would have asked me 4 months ago, my reply would still be the same. However, a month ago you would have gotten a much different response. Yes, we still went to see the Aunties and Uncles, and it was as amazing as it always is. We ate, we drank, we caught up, we laughed, we ate some more. Ari was loved by his Aunties and Uncles all night. It would appear to be our normal Thanksgiving tradition at Aunt Amy and Auntie Marguerite’s. However, there was nothing normal or traditional about tonight. First, Ari was in no mood to be there. He wouldn’t leave my side. He would burst out in tears about every 46 seconds. Marc didn’t sit near me. Not by choice, as the Aunties love to assign seating away from your spouse. He didn’t come and sit next to me as I was catching up with Uncle Mel. He was barely looking at me. When it was time to go, that was when you knew it was not normal or traditional. I ran upstairs and changed out of my dress and into some Lulus and a t-shirt. I carefully put my dress in a bag, trying to fold it as neatly as I could, knowing it was going to remain in that bag until I got home. You see, I wasn’t going home with Marc and Ari. I would be taking Uber an hour later to SFO to head to Thailand. BY MYSELF.

It came up in a conversation with a friend about six weeks ago. I told him I had to get out of here. I couldn’t breathe. I was falling apart. My friend understood completely and asked where I wanted to go. I said the I wanted to go to the beach but that wasn’t possible because he couldn’t be at the beach for more than a day, as he doesn’t tan as easily as I do. Why I assumed he would be coming with me wherever I was headed is beyond me. It just came out. And it felt right. He started asking me questions to see where my head was at. What did I want to do? He ended up with South Island, New Zealand. Neither of us had ever been. Sounded so exciting. He started putting together an itinerary, as that is his profession. He owns a company that provides personal and small group tours around the world. This itinerary was awesome. Adventurous with glacier hikes, trekking, geysers, and funky stays (boutique hotels in Australian). But something wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. Not that Marc wasn’t coming. No, it was more than that. New Zealand wasn’t “calling me” to come. Thailand was. I asked my friend if he minded if we changed plans and I came to Thailand. There is a spiritual aspect that has been calling me. I also wanted him to show me his home. His wheelhouse, what he knows best. So, now I sit waiting to board my flight to Bangkok. I will have a two hour lay over in Hong Kong after a 15 hour flight from SFO. Then a 2.5 hour flight to Bangkok. I leave at midnight on Friday morning, ( in just a few short minutes) but get to Bangkok at noon on Saturday. I miss an entire day. I am time warped away. I don’t have my itinerary. I left that up to him. I do not want to think it have any responsibility on this trip. That’s the whole point of it. To get away. Completely away. Clear my head. Hopeful that when I return, I can begin to make sense out of this past year. The tragedy, and everything else that has happened.

I can’t even begin to thank Marc for not interfering with my leaving. He doesn’t understand why I have to leave him. He is a huge support for me and I love him more than anything. However, I keep telling him it’s not because of him. It’s actually FOR him that I need to do this. I need to do this for us. But mostly for me. Time to try to let go of some of the shit that has piled up so high.

I am putting my trust in my friend to guide me to what I need. I am as scared as I am excited about this adventure.

Gotta go, wheels up…..

I am on yet another flight back East. Seems these days I am always on a flight back back East. I am on my way back to where it all happened. In fact, for the first time, I will be driving exactly where it happened. Not sure how that will be. I am nervous, nauseous, and not looking forward to driving there. Yet it is one of the roadblocks I must face and conquer.

This time, I am on my way back for a “sisters weekend” in our parents Westhampton Beach home. The house is currently under contract, and should close soon. This is the first weekend that we are all able to come together at their house for one last time. One last “party” at our parents’ house. Back in high school, we had some of the best parties. Our parents went away often, leaving us in the charge of my oldest sister. Since she was the oldest, they felt that made her the most responsible. Ha! The parties were amazing though. Inevitably, the police would show up and end the party. We were allowed to pick 10 people to stay and the rest had to leave. We piled as many people in the garage as we could fit to hide while the cops were there, while others were rolling the kegs down the hill we had in our backyard. Remember, we were supposedly being monitored by my oldest sister. What is so funny about that, is that some of the times she wasn’t even there. This was her opportunity to head into NYC to go to whatever the most popular club was at the moment. She was a senior in high school after all. In the end we all got what we wanted out of a weekend without the “rents”. Somehow, we managed to keep these weekends a secret from the rents. Years later, we fessed up to what we were actually up to. And wouldn’t you know it; they KNEW!! Our neighbors told them every time. How stupid were we. Lol. I do have some great memories though.

This weekend we will have our own party. There will be no need for the police to shut it down. Unless, of course, we get into one of our sisterly fights. Because when you put four girls a each year apart together for a length of time, fights do happen. I don’t know the next time that we will all be together either. That is the part that scares me the most. We are all we have left. And we all live in different places. We all have our families, busy lives, and all the excuses that come with that. We also won’t have one place to all convene. But most of all, we don’t have the ‘rents to get us all, or at least 3 out of 4 together anymore. It is now left to us to make this happen. Maybe we can start a tradition that once a year the four of us travel to some exotic location and experience new adventures together. I will continue to come back to the Hamptons every year as my in laws live there too. But it won’t be the same. It will never be the same anymore. My life isn’t the same. I am not the same person I was.

In just two weeks I get to go on my own adventure. I am as excited as I have ever been. I am also as frightened as I have ever been about embarking on this type of travel. May it be the start of the many adventures I plan on taking moving forward. Because that is what this is. A chance to move forward.

Threes. Things always happen in threes. Why is that? It’s not scientifically proven, yet most of us believe in it. You hear of two famous people who have died, and you wonder who is going to be the third? I thought I had my three. First Aunt Peggy, then Mommy and Daddy. But I was wrong because it happened again. The next most important woman in my life is gone. Shouldn’t have happened either. But it did. And now I am on a plane across the country to be there for my best friend, who was there for me when I needed him. Neil was one of the first people I called from the hospital that night while we were in that “surreal soap opera haze”. He was one of the first people to fly up to NY. I didn’t even have to ask him to come. He just knew I needed him there. Just as I know he needs me now. I know exactly what he is going through. I’m not sure anyone else can honestly say that. It’s a new secret badge we are wearing. We are members of a new club. Not one that we wanted to join. Not one that we had a choice to join. Yet one we are now forever members of.

Not sure I can do this again. I really don’t think I can. I wish Marc was here with me. I could really use him right now. However, that just wasn’t possible, and I couldn’t make Ari go through it again. I know Marc would be here if he could though. Joan (Bubba) was a big part of our relationship as well. She was there when we met. The 25th Birthday Party we had for Marc was at her house. I have pictures of the cake she made. Can’t post them here though. Lol. People who knew her can imagine what it was. And it was fabulous. Joan (Bubba) always made sure we had yummy food to eat. Being a caterer helped to make sure of that. She would even make snacks for us to take to Dead shows. Lemon Bars, Brownies, and Blondies to name a few. We tried to give some to people, but they were scared there was something in them. There wasn’t. I have so many memories of Bubba and Oscar (he passed 8 years ago) So many memories. They were a huge part of my life. I basically lived at their house throughout High School. Oscar helped me write and mail out my first resume, even after I ate all the crunches out of his favorite cereal leaving him with just the boring flakes. They were at our wedding. I remember dancing with Jerry at my wedding. He was so proud of the adult I had become. They both were. And now they are both gone.

I can’t imagine a world without Bubba. She was as real as they come. Always up for a late night ride to Chinatown or to The Lemon Ice King. A midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Whatever. You just knew it would be fun and you would laugh till your stomach hurt.

I was recently told that “we” are now getting to that age when we start losing people. I call bullshit on that one.

There is so much noise in my head. So much pain in my heart.

Thailand can’t come soon enough. Just a few more weeks I keep telling myself. Just a few more weeks and hopefully I can start to make sense of at least some of this.

Sometimes life takes a turn…

Sunday August 21, 2016 is a date that will forever change my life. My world was completely rocked with the tragic death of my parents in an automobile accident. Ironically, their death occurred while they were on their way to a wedding, one of life’s greatest celebrations.

Still, two months later, my world is one big blur, as I am mainly seeing it through tear filled eyes. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep, and the searing pain in my chest keeps me gasping for breath. Calmness is something I am striving for. Yet it is unattainable.

Trying to keep the excitement of our upcoming trip to Southeast Asia is difficult at best. February seems like forever. I need to get out of here now. Now, and alone. I need to be in a place where no one needs anything from me. And I mean nothing. Not even hugs for my son. Those are so painful, as I am constantly reminded that I will never be able to get a hug from my mother again. I know it’s mean and hurting him, but I can’t help it. I can’t give emotional support to anyone, not even myself. I can’t give my husband the nurturing he wants either. He is trying so hard to be my emotional support. He has been affected by this tragedy as well. They were his parents for the past 25 years. They loved him as if he were their flesh and blood. Still, it’s not the same. He still has his parents. There is no way he can truly grasp the loss I am dealing with.

I need to get out of here now. Now, far away, and alone.

I have decided that I am going to spend 10 days in Thailand. Why Thailand when we are going to be there in a few short months? There is something about Thailand that is calling me. A visceral response if you will have it. The history, the architecture, the spirituality, the landscape. All of it is calling me. I am very lucky to have a friend who is helping me plan this trip. This friend understands what I need and can point me in the right direction so I can clear my head and maybe try to make sense of this mess that is my life. Maybe then, I will be able to take some steps forward. I am just as scared as I am excited about this trip. Never have I thought I could do something like this now that I am a wife and a mother. How does a mom just leave? My support system is rising to the occasion, not allowing me to push their help away as I usually do. Thankfully, I am not in a position to decline such help. They know I need this more than I know.

I am not running away. I know full well, when I return it will all still be here. My hope is that I will be in a better place so that I can begin to rebuild my new life. One without parents. One without that always open door no matter what. One without that completely unconditional love given to you by your parents.

I cannot express my gratitude for my friend and all that is being done to make this happen. I will be forever thankful for such a special person to have entered into my life. There is a reason for everything I believe, and I hope to learn those reasons and be able to repay them.

No, this isn’t an Eat, Pray, Love kind of trip. Nor is it an Eat Shit and Die (as someone has referred to it) kind of trip. I have no idea what “kind” of trip it is going to end up being. Time will tell…Just a few weeks and away I go!

Ok. Enough of that emotional babble. Time to get ready for Thailand!!!!