Holy Crap! Am I really doing this?

If anyone would have asked me 6 months ago, what I was doing for Thanksgiving, my reply would have been, “going into SF to Ari’s Aunties and Uncles” like we have been doing for the past 20 years. Shit, if you would have asked me 4 months ago, my reply would still be the same. However, a month ago you would have gotten a much different response. Yes, we still went to see the Aunties and Uncles, and it was as amazing as it always is. We ate, we drank, we caught up, we laughed, we ate some more. Ari was loved by his Aunties and Uncles all night. It would appear to be our normal Thanksgiving tradition at Aunt Amy and Auntie Marguerite’s. However, there was nothing normal or traditional about tonight. First, Ari was in no mood to be there. He wouldn’t leave my side. He would burst out in tears about every 46 seconds. Marc didn’t sit near me. Not by choice, as the Aunties love to assign seating away from your spouse. He didn’t come and sit next to me as I was catching up with Uncle Mel. He was barely looking at me. When it was time to go, that was when you knew it was not normal or traditional. I ran upstairs and changed out of my dress and into some Lulus and a t-shirt. I carefully put my dress in a bag, trying to fold it as neatly as I could, knowing it was going to remain in that bag until I got home. You see, I wasn’t going home with Marc and Ari. I would be taking Uber an hour later to SFO to head to Thailand. BY MYSELF.

It came up in a conversation with a friend about six weeks ago. I told him I had to get out of here. I couldn’t breathe. I was falling apart. My friend understood completely and asked where I wanted to go. I said the I wanted to go to the beach but that wasn’t possible because he couldn’t be at the beach for more than a day, as he doesn’t tan as easily as I do. Why I assumed he would be coming with me wherever I was headed is beyond me. It just came out. And it felt right. He started asking me questions to see where my head was at. What did I want to do? He ended up with South Island, New Zealand. Neither of us had ever been. Sounded so exciting. He started putting together an itinerary, as that is his profession. He owns a company that provides personal and small group tours around the world. This itinerary was awesome. Adventurous with glacier hikes, trekking, geysers, and funky stays (boutique hotels in Australian). But something wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. Not that Marc wasn’t coming. No, it was more than that. New Zealand wasn’t “calling me” to come. Thailand was. I asked my friend if he minded if we changed plans and I came to Thailand. There is a spiritual aspect that has been calling me. I also wanted him to show me his home. His wheelhouse, what he knows best. So, now I sit waiting to board my flight to Bangkok. I will have a two hour lay over in Hong Kong after a 15 hour flight from SFO. Then a 2.5 hour flight to Bangkok. I leave at midnight on Friday morning, ( in just a few short minutes) but get to Bangkok at noon on Saturday. I miss an entire day. I am time warped away. I don’t have my itinerary. I left that up to him. I do not want to think it have any responsibility on this trip. That’s the whole point of it. To get away. Completely away. Clear my head. Hopeful that when I return, I can begin to make sense out of this past year. The tragedy, and everything else that has happened.

I can’t even begin to thank Marc for not interfering with my leaving. He doesn’t understand why I have to leave him. He is a huge support for me and I love him more than anything. However, I keep telling him it’s not because of him. It’s actually FOR him that I need to do this. I need to do this for us. But mostly for me. Time to try to let go of some of the shit that has piled up so high.

I am putting my trust in my friend to guide me to what I need. I am as scared as I am excited about this adventure.

Gotta go, wheels up…..