One on, one off, one in the wash…

“On our trip, I really want to go see Tiger Cave Temple”. That was something I had asked several times. Each time I got the same answer. Ok. But it’s hard. Are you sure you can do it? Of course I can do it. Wtf. Why wouldn’t I be able to? Several times I was told that he had been there with people much younger than I was (fuck off. I’m not that old) and it was hard for them and took them a long time. I guess you don’t know me that well. If someone tells me I can’t….damn straight I’m going to do it. Even if it kills me.

After driving for two days through a cyclone, we finally made it to Phuket. I actually don’t remember Phuket being a place I said I wanted to go. I didn’t want a nasty dirty backpacker party town. But fuck it (pun intended) we went. We arrived after it was already dark. Took a while to find out Hotel. Things really need to be better labeled….The dumb lady on google maps told us we had to park and walk to our destination. Uh. No. This is a nice place. I’m not walking anywhere. Holy crap. Getting up the driveway as a feat in itself. Then. The steps up…Fucking Asia and its steps. Someone, I don’t remember male or female brought us up to our room. The Executive Suite. OMG. The views. Even though it was dark, it was beautiful. Little did I know what awaited me in the morning. We decided to go for a swim in the infinity pool and have some beers. I don’t remember if we went out or not that night. I’m guessing no…Next morning I woke to the most spectacular view of the Andaman Sea. Blew my mind. Maybe Phuket wasn’t so bad…..

We leave for Tiger Temple Cave. About an hour later we arrived. It was already so hot and humid. Fuck. Did that sign just say what I thought it did? 1237 steps? Ok. Here we go. Shit. Why can’t they make stairs the same height here? What’s up with the 2 foot step and the the 4 inch one and then the 8 inch one? I remember passing 75 or so and thinking shit. That’s it? I was certain it was at least 200 or more. I was sweating and completely out of breath. All of a sudden monkeys came out. And not the cute cuddly ones. Aggressive ones that tried to take whatever it was you had in your hands. Some lady started freaking out. She kept blocking my path. She was so annoying. I wanted to push her off the edge. Finally I got past her and kept climbing. Dripping wet, glasses fogged. Can’t see. Can’t breathe.

Must.Keep.Going….Can’t let him think I can’t do it. But he was no where in sight. That fucker was probably at the top already. Finally step 999….only 238 more to go. I want to die. The steps never leveled out. People are sitting everywhere trying to catch their breath and muster up the strength to keep going. People coming down were saying we were almost there…A girl stops next to me and says she can’t go anymore. That her friend was already at the top. We encouraged eachother to make it up. We didn’t know eachother. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was ya making up to the top. Together. We would say ok. Let’s go 50 steps and rest. We would get maybe 10 or 15 and stop. Finally we made it up to the top!!! Thankfully there was drinkable water. I was so hot that I was shivering. I was cold. Not a good sign…shade. Need shade. But there was none. And then I turned to see I had to go up more fucking steps to get to the actual top. Had to take my shoes off and put on a skirt so my knees were covered. My t shirt was soaked. Nasty dripping with sweat. I took my shoes off. OMG that was so gross too. Up I went. WOW was all I thought when I saw the view. Holy shit. This was so worth it. I walked around and tried to take some pictures. I was shaking and about to pass out. Must find shade and sit down. And where the fuck is Sakai? Hadn’t seen him in a long time. Finally found him sitting comfortably in a shady spot looking out. Not a drop of sweat on him. Fucker. I find a place to sit in the shade and drank a gallon of water. After a bit the world stopped spinning and I could really focus in on the view and think about what I had just done. Crazy! But wait. Now I have to get up and walk all the way back down. Where’s the elevator? We start down. Let me tell you, it’s just as hard going back down. I didn’t realize just how steep it was. Vertigo was setting in. The place was spinning. I’m going to Fall and free Fall all the way to the bottom. Shit. And Sakai is no where in sight again. He’s probably already at the bottom. Eventually I make it down. My legs are shaking. Shit this is gonna hurt later…

We get in the car and drove about an hour and a half to a hot spring. This time we could actually get in it. It wasn’t 55 degrees Celsius. It was hot but felt sooooooo good. And the bonus was we took a golf cart out to the Spring. Cost an extra 40 Bhat for round trip. I didn’t care if it was 40000 Bhat. I couldn’t walk. They had a massage Area there. I went and got an amazing 60 minute massage for 200 Bhat. About 6 USD. I know I fell asleep because I woke myself snoring. Lol. Probably was drooling too…I tried to get up and realized how stiff my legs already were. This ain’t going to be good…And it wasn’t. I was sooooo sore the next day. All I wanted to do was sit at the pool. But nope. Not allowed to on this trip….We decided to stay one more night in Phuket. Going to meet up with a friend of Sakai’s later…That’s another story…One I probably won’t share…Except for the part about the drag queen show. That was HILARIOUS. We were sitting on “gay street” watching it. So funny.

Tomorrow we head to Krabi. Where I have wanted to go for so long….can’t wait. Hope I can walk….

You’d think by now I would avoid places with Khao in its name….Seriously, every time there is a Khao something happens….This one was no different. We left Phuket early in the morning to get up to Khao Sok National Park. I was kinda happy to leave Phuket…But that’s another story….Back to this one.

About an hour and a half into our drive we entered Khao Lak. I knew I had heard that name but couldn’t remember why. It was the Tsunami of 2004. We stopped at the National Tsunami Museum. A tiny two level building. There we saw photos, read the history, and watched videos….Completely heartbreaking. Personal accounts of the Tsunami and it’s aftermath…I had the most personal account right next to me. Sakai had been on the beach in Phuket when the tsunami hit there. I cannot even imagine how and what he must be thinking at this museum. It got to a point where I had to leave. Just couldn’t hear any more.

On we go. Back in the car. Next stop is our place for the night. Anuak Community Lodge nar Khao Sok. Took a bit to find the place. They don’t really believe in signs here. Helps keep tourists away. We get to our furnace, I️ mean hut, turn on the AC and leave. It better be an icebox in here when we get back!

Tubing down the river in Khao Sok National Park is our intention. By the time we get to the park and have lunch and some beers, it’s too late to go tubing. I wasn’t too disappointed as there has been so much rain that the river was probably too fast….So what do we decide to do? Yup you guessed it. A nice easy hike to see some waterfalls. About 4K away. Perfect. What could go wrong?

I️ ️ should have known by the smirk on the guards face as we signed in at the trailhead. “You come back 6:00” he said and giggled. Off we went. Nice well defined trail. Ok. This will be great. “Look!! Elephant tracks” Sakai says. “Fuck you” I say and we laughed. We passed some hikers on their way back. One told us there were monkeys 20 meters ahead. I️ have no idea how far 20 meters is, but there were no monkeys ANYWHERE.

We hiked for a bit and came upon a place to go swimming. Uh. No. No fucking way am I getting into that river. Who knows what is in there. Flashbacks to Khao Yai.. Sakai is yelling at me to get in the water NOW! As I was arguing that I wasn’t going to do it, two dragonflies appeared. Out of NOWHERE. Not one but Two! We hadn’t seen ANY. We both saw them and I said look! My parents are here. I knew then it was ok to get in. Of course I didn’t take my shoes off and I hung onto Sakai’s back for dear life. Was not about to touch the bottom. Ok, I️ admit, It was great. Nice cold water. We finish up and get out and continue to find the waterfall.

The sign said waterfalls to the left. Where? There is no trail….Fuck. Sakai is ahead of me. I have no choice but to follow. “Slippery” the next sign says. Fuck. Flashbacks to Erawan Falls. How many bruises am I gonna get this time? How many times am I going to fall? Shit. Now I’m climbing down rocks. It’s getting dark. Is it my glasses? Which by the way are getting so fogged up that I can’t see. Nope. It’s not my glasses. It’s getting DARK. Really? I’m SO NOT climbing on those rocks to get to the waterfalls. Not worth it. Sakai is yelling at me again to come on that we don’t have much time. We have to get back. Argh! Ok fine. We get to some water. Not waterfalls, just rushing water and rocks. Yeah I’m done. Sakai is trying to get me to go in the water with him. Nope. Not gonna happen. I look downstream and see what is headed towards us. Holy crap! Torrential rain. BOOM! CRACK! BOOM! OMG. Thunder and lightening too? Wonderful. “Relax” sakai says as he sees me huddling in a ball. I’m freaking out and say “this is me being completely relaxed”. Ok fine he says. We can head back. So up we go. Mud is rushing towards us as I climb up the slippery rocks not being able to see a thing as it’s raining so hard. Where the fuck is the trail? Fucking knee deep mud. I’m sure there are leaches in here. I can’t see a thing!

Eventually we get back to the main path which is now gushing down mud towards us. Covered in mud and other things, we continue back. At one point sakai stops and pulls a few leaches off of his legs. Wonderful. I don’t even care. I just want to get back. I screamed. Something just bit my leg. I can’t look. Don’t wanna know. Just keep going. My bag weighs at least 50 lbs now that it is soaking wet. I’m trying to tie my Turkish towel around me. It’s soaking wet and weighs a ton now. I can’t see. Why didn’t I bring a hat? Glasses and rain don’t mix. We are NEVER getting back. The thunder is closer now. The rain is harder. There is more mud coming towards us. Who knows what we keep sinking into. At one point you’ll never guess what happened. Yup. One of Sakai’s flip flops got stuck in the mud and broke. Again? Why can’t we ever just go on a normal leisurely hike???

On we go. We pass by the swimming hole, and I think we are almost back. Just a bit farther. We finally make it back and the guard has left his post. No one is there. He is probably somewhere laughing at the stupid white people who are caught in the storm. We get to the car and head up the road for some well earned beers. Laughing the entire way at what an amazing adventure that was.

As I’m going around Phuket, I can’t help but think about every one I️ know that traveled either during or after college. Oh how much fun that must have been. To be, as Khalid says, “young, dumb, and broke”. That I will always envy….That said, I am forever thankful that I can do this now…..I think coming without Marc was the best thing I could have done. Nothing to read into that. We travel well together. But I’ve just always wanted to travel alone… and it’s been quite the adventure so far.

Time in Bangkok, my favorite city, was amazing. I spent a lot of time alone. Alone just wandering. It was such a freeing feeling. So far, the places I’ve stayed in have been magical. Beyond grateful that I am able to stay in such places. My company always says, work hard, play hard…And that is exactly what I do. There is so much more that I will do on this adventure. I am going to stay in the moment though and take it all in. Time at Big Buddha this morning was great. So peaceful. High above Phuket. Able to think clearly. Hopefully, Ari will gain a sense of adventure. I am happy that he sees that I can go do this alone. That it is ok for me to go. That I will come back with stories. Maybe one day he will be the one to come back and tell me stories. Maybe one day we will go on an adventure together too!

Ok. Back to being in the moment. Back to celebrating my 37th gift to myself!

It’s been 345 days to the minute since I stepped foot onto my first flight to Thailand. I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I ran away from my husband and child. I ran away to travel with a complete stranger. Even though we had been speaking for two months, he was still a complete stranger. 

I don’t remember much from my experience in the airport last year. The Aunties made sure of that before I left their house in an Uber. Alone. Afraid. Broken. Not too coherent…..
This time is different. I’m different. I am so excited for this adventure. It’s almost as if the adventure has never stopped since August 21, 2016. Not all adventures are fun. But they are real. And you cannot control them, so it’s best to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Forget about all your fears. Forget about all your questions. Just focus on the now. 
Looking around at the boarding area there are so many different people. There’s the couple next to me who most definitely go to Berkeley. They are head to toe in Cal Bears. They also can’t keep their hands off of each other. Then there is the guy watching some Chinese program on full blast. There are many single travelers here. Don’t see many couples. I wonder if they are going home or on holiday? Is Hong Kong their final destination? I really don’t know where my final destination is. There is something so freeing about that. I can decide when I land in Bangkok, that I want to fly somewhere else for a few days. Maybe I will just look at the board and see which flight catches my eye…..
Ok, wine, blueberries, ambien, all kicking in. Gnite and welcome to my next adventure!!!!!!

318 days and a few hours later, hopefully two Tito bloody Mary’s, and a few blueberries, since the accident, I will be on yet another plane back to where they lived. To where it all began, and where it all ended. To where everything I knew and believed about life became intertwined with all that I thought was made up. Where all my hopes and dreams were forever changed. 

318 days and a few hours later, hopefully two Tito bloody Mary’s, and a few blueberries, since the accident, I will be on a plane back. Back to where it all changed. To where I changed. 

This weekend we are having both my Aunt’s, and my Parents’ unveilings. As in Jewish tradition, the headstone is revealed sometime during the first year after burial. Some do it as early as Shloshim, while some wait until the one year anniversary. We are making it up as we go along. Sunday, July 9th, will be 13 months, 15 days since my Aunt Died, and 10 months, 18 days since my parent’s accident. Doing all unveilings on the same day. 

So much, so very much has changed this year. Most of which me. I am not the same person I was. Things actually matter. Probably not what you’re thinking. Things like me, who I am, and who I will be. This year, I have experienced so much. Seen so much. Felt so much. Learned so much. So much about myself. I actually matter. How I’m treated. What’s important to me. How I want to be heard. How much I don’t want to be heard.  How much I don’t want to share. How much I do feel like sharing, and with whom. Most of all, how much and what kind of shit I am actually able to stand. I’m so tired of sweeping things under the rug. No. It’s all not fucking good. It’s not rainbows and butterflies. The things that you have actually seen and experienced. It’s unicorns and leprechauns. Those things that don’t exist. It’s the things you thought weren’t real. It’s not  the “and they lived happily ever after”. Unicorns? They’re just horses with daggers on their heads, aiming for your heart. Piercing your heart. Shocker. How could something so revered in Fairy Tales be so evil. So debilitating. While, those sneaky, conniving, imaginary lawn gnomes waiting at the end of that rainbow are so real and at times more beautiful than the most beautiful butterfly you have ever seen. Oh and rewarding. So rewarding. You may not realize this at first. That’s just how sneaky those pesky little men are. Laughing and sneering…Until, that is, that you realize they actually are on to something. Reality. A reminder to keep your eyes open and be ready to spot the imaginary. Just be ready. You won’t believe it if I told you anyway. 

Trying to hold it together. Not doing a good job. Lashing out. Purposely lashing out. Not giving a shit what dagger hits what person. Not caring how much those daggers sting. Don’t get in my way. My aim is amazing these days. You deserve it. All of you do. You need to feel what’s inside me. No wait. You couldn’t handle it. I’ll take it all on. I’m strong. I’ve got that ink to remind me. Come on….bring it. You can’t do anything worse than what’s already been done. Don’t worry, I’ll know if you’re a true friend. If you are sincere, or have your own agenda. I might not let you know at first. Maybe I want to see what you’ll really do. How far you will actually go. Don’t worry. You won’t hurt me. I’ll survive. I always do. You just have to be able to accept me when I do survive. Because I won’t be the same. You may think you know how I will react. You may think my bags will explode at each stop. But you’d be so wrong. It’s a facade.  Im just trying to see if you’re real or not. See how you will judge me. See if you will think I’m the same me  as you always do. Look out for those pesky leprachauns. Remember, then can surprise you. 

Can’t wait to see the benches outside The Bakery that were dedicated to my parents. Can’t wait to sit on them. I can hear my dad, “Helen! Get me some tea Helen!” “See these benches? Know how much they cost? Well, I know a guy who got them, from another guy for a bagan. I’ll get you some”. It will be so bittersweet. Westhampton Beach will be so bittersweet. 

The four of us haven’t been together since November. Many words have been texted, spoken, and shouted. Not surprising. We are sisters. We’re supposed to. Even when you think you’ve had it, and you’re never speaking to one of them again. How many times have you thought that about a sibling? Maybe even carried through with it. We can’t. We don’t get that luxury of writing one of us off. We are all we have. No matter what. No matter who is being the biggest bitch. No matter who is fucking up the most. You don’t get that choice of walking away for good. So you deal. You ignore text streams. Give it some time. Some space. But you sneak back into that text stream, just like those leprechauns

 How is this trip going to be? I am seeing it all as if for the first time. Which it kinda is. It’s the first time for me. This me. Not the me who saw it year after year after year. Not the me that had to run away to be able to deal with it all. This me. The one who can finally breathe.  How are others going to react when they realize I’m not the me they knew. Seriously, I don’t think I care. Lol. It won’t do any good to wonder or care cause it’s gonna just be no matter what. 
Bring it. Brin it all. Rainbows, Butterflies, Unicorns, and especially Leprachauns…..I’m ready. 

Like the faint sound of cicadas in the distance that get louder and louder, until they reach their crest like a wave in the ocean. Only to return to their distant murmur a few seconds later. 
That has been my experience on this journey. Each country we have been to has been so unique. The cities in each country have been so diverse as well. From the crowded cities, to the quiet mountain villages, to the deepest parts of the jungle, to active war zones, to the most beautiful rivers and beaches. Each bringing with them their own experiences. I can’t say which, if any, I liked more. We have done things most people never do in their lives. We have learnt so much history along the way. We have learnt much about the people we have seen and how they live. We have learnt that you really don’t need much to be happy. ( I probably could have gotten away with just two outfits) In fact, you’re happier most times without, and you’re bag is definitely much lighter. We have also learnt much about each other. This is inevitable when you travel as we have for the past seven weeks. Some things you used to find funny just become super annoying. Sorry, but I’ve been completely honest throughout, and that’s the honest truth. We have been in luxurious settings, and those that can’t even be called settings…..We will forever laugh about those settings. We were almost put into a Cambodian prison…(though some may say that is an exaggeration, but that’s besides the point). We have experienced so much. We have eaten amazing foods, as well as some quite questionable foods. In fact, I just may go back to being a vegetarian. That way there is no question as to what it was that I just ate. 
To say that I am sad this adventure is over doesn’t even begin to touch the emotions I am feeling right now. What I have learnt most during this journey is about me. Who I am. What I want. What I am willing to put up with. But most of all, I have learnt how much I love the adventure. Somehow, someway, I am going to figure out a way to continue on this journey. I am going to turn the biggest and most unimaginable tragedy into the biggest and most rewarding journey. I have come a long way from August 21, 2016. It hasn’t been an easy journey. However, I learned I am stronger than I thought I was. That I can and do survive, even when I am most terrified. I have learnt what it means to have a connection that cannot be explained and how to treasure that connection. I am learning how to quiet those voices in my head that tell me I can’t…and turn them into I will…. 

The beach would be my absolute favorite place, if it weren’t for the sand and the ocean. You see, the ocean has always been a major fear. I had reoccurring nightmares as a child that I was stuck on a float and couldn’t get back. Just kept getting dragged further and further out to sea. Countless times I remember waking up sweating, heart racing……
I am currently sitting outside our villa at probably the most beautiful beach in the world. Khlong Chao Beach on Koh Kut, a tiny island in the Gulf of Thailand. The only thing that sucks are the sand fleas. Fuck they itch when you’re bitten. I was told coconut oil helps. So someone is bringing me some. Yes. I am spoiled. But they offered. Lol. 

Ok. Back to the ocean, or Gulf….No matter how far out you go, you can still see your feet. I can see the chipped nail polish on my toes. Oh, how I am in desperate need of a pedicure. The water is warm. Almost too warm. But there is a constant breeze. A nice change from the humidity. Which is still in abundance, but you don’t feel it as much when you’re in the water. There is so much salt that you can just float as well. Paradise. Sadness. This journey will soon be coming to an end. I’m not ready to go home. I really don’t want to. There is an entire world out there that I want to explore. Every inch of it. Some of it, I want to do alone. Some with Marc and Ari. Some with Marc, Ari, and the fourth member of our family. And some with just Sakai alone. He has seen that I don’t need much. I don’t want much. I’m tired of carrying so much. I’ve worn the same clothes for days and don’t care. You really only need those three outfits. Regardless, I want to see it ALL. Someway, somehow, I need to make that dream come true. 
I have always said that my biggest regret in life is that I didn’t do a semester abroad, or traveled while I was in or just after university. I was supposed to move to Israel for Grad school, but I met Marc and my focus changed. Now, twenty five years later, I have too many responsibilities. I don’t regret any of them. I just wish somehow I could take a year off and go and travel. 

Years ago, whenever I was at a crossroad in life, or even just in a “questionable” place, a Dead show would give me the answers I needed. There was something about a show. The people. The music. The vibe. For many years, that was my safe place. A place where I could just let go and the answers would come. No, I’m not talking about drugs. There were many many many shows I didn’t do any. Those were the ones where I could see clearly what I needed to do. Then that all came to an end. I don’t know what I did for the years after to find my answers. I got married and moved to SF. Marc and I built our lives. We established ourselves. Bought a house. Had Ari. Raised Ari. And that was enough. Those were my answers. 
When I stepped onto Cathay Pacific Flight 893 on November 25, 2016, I had no idea what I would find. What would happen. I had changed so much in such a short time. And not for the good. It was such a dark space. Oh how I cried on that flight to Hong Kong. What the fuck was I doing. Leaving my husband and son to travel with a man I had not truly met. They didn’t understand, and neither did I. But I got my answers on that trip. 

This journey has given me even more. So much more. Sure, we’ve done some AMAZING things. Shit, who does what we’ve done? Each and every minute of this has opened my eyes and my soul to a calmness, never before felt. I’m at peace with myself. That is why I don’t want to go home. I know that peace will lessen. It’s life. It’s work. It’s responsibility. It’s fucked up. 

Somehow. Someway. My family and I will continue on this journey to see the world. I just haven’t figured it out yet. But I will. That you can count on. 
Time to visit Alex, the bartender. Time for a drink. 

We are the only ones left on Gilligan’s Island. All the other guests have left. Sad that Fiona left. It would have been so much fun to spend more time with her. Anyhoo, Ari is refusing to leave our tent and I couldn’t give a shit. Stay inside all day. Marc and I have been sitting on a huge rocking chaise lounge for hours listening to music and joking how hard this is. How much it sucks right now. And it does. They have no ice….And that means no cocktails. Yes there is beer and wine, but I want a cocktail. How can they not have ice? In the middle of the jungle? Maybe in two or four or five hours they said. Maybe when the boat comes….So we are roughing it. Guess we will have to order some Sauvignon Blanc. I can somehow make do with that. I mean someone’s gotta take one for the team right?

It’s so hot and humid. We keep jumping into the river. Which is warm…We have mastered paddle boarding. We have kayaked. We have drank lots and lots of wine. To keep hydrated of course. I walked back to check on Ari and thankfully he was sleeping. Maybe whatever crawled up his butt will have left once he wakes up. I scheduled massages for each of us from 3-6. Ari, marc, then me. 
It’s been an amazing day. Just amazing. Sad to leave here in the morning. Another part of our adventure is coming to an end. We are leaving this magnificent country of Cambodia. We have seen it all. And we’ve seen every pile of rocks, I mean Temples. And we’ve seen it by airplane, car, minibus, tuk-tuk, walking, motorbikes, and even a helicopter. So fucking cool. We met some amazing people, and even a few freaks;Peter an Pia to be exact. I hope to come back with Sakai and see more of Cambodia one day. 
 Excited though, to see the next stop….

We are glamping on a river at a five star floating eco lodge in the middle of the friggin Cambodian jungle, in the middle of NOWHERE. That’s what Marc and I keep telling ourselves. There is no wifi. Barely cell service. You can hear the gentle hum of a generator. You can hear music streaming from our tent. Fireflies are starting to come out. I can hear Sakai laughing from his tent next door as he is watching Absolutely Fabulous with Ari. It’s an Australian comedy. Ari probably doesn’t understand it. But it is very funny. Tonight is Sakai’s last night with us for a week. His family is coming to Thailand for a holiday. We planned it this way. So we can have some family time. I’m sad he’s leaving in the morning. He has never been to Four Rivers, and it’s a shame he only gets to enjoy it for one night. Oh well, his loss. We will meet back up after we are here and then back in Thailand out at Koh Kood, our ridiculously expensive beach part of this amazing adventure. It is then, that we will bring Marc and Ari to the other places I traveled to with Sakai. 

It’s been 31 hours that we have been alone as a family. Just the three of us. We had an amazing day yesterday. Went to the Tatai waterfalls. Definitely a do not miss kind of place. Met an amazing British woman. At first I was annoyed that there would be one other person going with us to the falls. I thought it was a “private” booking. During the 45 minute boat ride, we made small talk. There was something about this woman though. Something real. As we were climbing around the rocks at the falls, we were talking more and more. She is traveling with her friend throughout SEA. We compared trips. She wished she was on ours. Lol. She was leaving her friend in a few days and meeting up with her daughter to travel to Myanmar and Nepal. Their first time traveling together. Ouch. That kinda stung. Even though I think I would have killed my mother or myself if we traveled together. That just wouldn’t have worked out well. Nonetheless, there was a connection with Fiona. We ended up having an amazing time. If the falls weren’t enough, we had a sunset cruise that afternoon as well. Just the three of us. Leaving at 4:30, for a “3 hour tour”. We all know how that one once ended….As we set out on that, we were seriously in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but river and jungle. Maybe a fisherman’s house or a small boat with someone fishing every once in a while. Other than that, just the three of us, and two guides from the resort. And lots of beer of course. Once we got to the place where we would sit 45 minutes and watch the sun go down, you cannot even imagine the views. I tried to capture it with my camera, but even untouched, the photos just do not do the magnificent sunset any justice. The colors. It seriously looked like a movie set. It just couldn’t be real. Better than any sunset I’ve ever seen in Hawaii and in the Hamptons. And I’ve seen the most beautiful ones there. This was in another category. How fucking lucky am I that I am able to be doing what I am doing. Don’t think I haven’t thought about that. I know I am. I worked hard for this. And I don’t want it to end. Ever. I wish my family felt the same….Maybe there is a way I can convince them to travel the world for a year. Before Ari enters high school. I’m doing it. With or without them. Somehow I will figure it out and they will come. 
Back at the resort, Ari had his major meltdown. He is done. He wants to go home. Fuck that shit. Not putting up with that. Suck it up buttercup. We’ve got more to do. I get he misses his friends. I get this hasn’t been easy for an 11 year old. But that was the point. Get him out of the bubble we live in. See how the real world lives. No 3DS. No Xbox. None of the entitled shit he has. Didn’t we see all the shacks with no electricity or running water? Didn’t we see the kids outside barefoot playing? And SMILING? Get over it Ari. I know. I’m a bitch. But how can I win Worst Mother of the Year if I’m not??? 
Later after dinner, I spent time with Fiona and Lynda. Fiona let me in on a little secret. There is wifi here! 

(Can’t tell Ari)Marc joined us once ari fell asleep. OMG. The laughs. So much fun. Sad that they are leaving in the morning. But i have a feeling this isn’t the last time I will see Fiona. Something just tells me…..
That’s one of the best parts of traveling. The people you meet!!! 

Five and a half years ago, I qualified for my sabbatical. Six weeks of mandatory time off. A chance to relax and regroup. I never felt that I really needed the time off. I had two major hip surgeries that gave me a minimum of six weeks off each time. I wasn’t sick for all of those weeks each time. One of the times, I even took Ari to Florida to “recuperate” for the last few weeks. 

My excuses for planning included; it wasn’t the right time, or I’m waiting for Marc to qualify for his. Those excuses carried me for a while. Now it was down to the wire. Use it or lose it, because I am eligible for my second sabbatical at the end of this year. So the planning begun. Where did we want to go? I have absolutely no desire to go to Europe. It means nothing to me. No connection. Southeast Asia on the other hand….The three of us have a connection there. For the past 11 years, I have had the conversation with Chua about traveling to her country with her. How fabulous would that be. She is such an integral part of our family. How could we not see where she came from. 

And so I began the arduous task of planning a trip. How do you go about that? Where does one start? Google of course. There I would surely find the answer. Holy crap was I wrong. How do you plan a trip to places you know nothing about. So where did I turn? Facebook of course. I posted an inquiry in a closed local group. One family responded that they had just booked a 2 week trip to Vietnam and that I should contact their booking group Tonkin Tours. So I did. I sent them the dates and what we wanted. A day later they responded. With different dates….I told them my dates were set. They tried to sway me that it was high season. Whatever. They’re out. I went back to FB and was told to join a different closed group. So I did. And I posted the same inquiry. I was told to contact this person. You all know by now who that was….However, that is getting ahead of this story. 
Marc and I left for NY last August. I brought brochures for SEA and for Australia/New Zealand/Cook Islands. Everyone was telling us Australia was the way to go. Everything is in English. It will be easier. But there was no connection. None. I wasn’t interested in any of it. My mom was insisting we go to the English speaking countries. We would be safe. Bla bla bla. Our LAST conversation with my parents on Saturday afternoon, 17 hours before they were killed was that they would go to Thailand with their friends who always go in February and we would arrange our trip so they could treat us to a nice resort for a week. Shit. Fuck. Damn. How wrong we all were. Fuck fuck fuck. World rocked…..
When Marc and I returned home three weeks later, he saw me with the SEA info. He asked what I was doing. I told him we were still going. It was then that I was introduced to Sakai. I told him I wanted to plan the “trip of a lifetime”. That money was no object. Just plan it. Here is what we want. You all know the rest of our friendship story…And my running away…
Fast forward to February 2,2017. The FOUR of us left my house and headed to SFO together. The best way to go. I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me that Marc, Ari, and Sakai got to spend three weeks together in my world. Like many of the piles of rocks we have seen, I mean temples, we built our foundation. It was going to be amazing. 
I could never have guessed just how amazing it would be. Many of the things Sakai and I discussed and he booked are things he himself has never done. I mean really, who sees Vietnam the way we did for two days in Vietnam era Jeeps? No one. Who takes an entire day helicopter tour with multiple stops to places in Cambodia that are ONLY accessible by helicopter? Who does that? He kept telling me it was expensive. I didn’t care. Just do it. I had to do it for Aunt Peggy. Our last conversation was that she wanted me to travel. She had been around the world twice, but never to SEA. I promised I would. I was also going to take the trip my parents wanted us to take. How many times have I wanted to call them during this trip and tell them the cool shit we did that day. More than I can count. But there is no one to call. However, they are and have been traveling with me this entire time. I was wondering when I would feel them. It wasn’t in December when I ran away. Too soon. Not ready. But they’re here. They’ve been here the entire time. They’re the dragon flies I see that father around me. They are the smiling faces in the Hilltop Tribe people I’ve seen. They’re the welcoming arms that hug me in every country we have been to. They’re the carvings in the multitude of temples we have been to. They are even in the mosquito bites I have gotten. They’re all here cheering us on. Telling us how amazing this has been. And we aren’t even done. We still have weeks to go.
And if it were up to me, I would go on for at least a year……